It’s Not a Marriage Problem
Why domestic abuse requires a different response from ordinary marital conflict.
Most marital conflict involves two imperfect people contributing to the difficulties in different ways. We often say, "It takes two to tango," or remind couples that there are two sides to every story.
While that is often true in ordinary marital conflict, it is not true of domestic abuse. Treating abuse as simply another marriage problem can place victims at greater risk and prevent churches from addressing the real issue.
Domestic abuse is not primarily a relationship problem. It is an abuse of power by one person over another.
A big mistake churches may make in dealing with domestic abuse situations is treating them as if the couple has marriage problems. While the couple clearly has problems in their marriage, the abusive heart of the husband needs to be dealt with first. Counselling a woman in a situation such as this to submit more and love better can be incredibly harmful to her, and very enabling for her abusive husband. Abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser (1).
Abusive marriages often do include poor communication, emotional distance, anger and conflict. By the time church leaders become involved, a wife may be experiencing depression and anxiety. She may be withdrawn or struggling to communicate well. Those realities should not automatically be interpreted as evidence that both spouses have equally contributed to the situation. They may be the consequences of prolonged abuse rather than its cause.
“Yes, every marriage involves two idolatrous sinners, but it is the oppressor’s sin pattern that leads them to seek to control and dominate their spouse. The oppressed spouse is powerless to make the domination stop, and they are not responsible for their spouse’s sin (see Matt. 15:18). Now, abuse can undoubtedly cause a marriage problem, but it is not a relationally based problem. No amount of trying to improve the relationship will adequately address the idolatrous heart that seeks to oppress the other. Treating an abusive marriage as though it is a typical marriage can place a victim in danger since such counsel fails to address the imbalance of power and vulnerability of the oppressed.”(2)
Traditional marriage counselling assumes that both spouses have equal freedom to speak honestly and equal responsibility for repairing the relationship. In abusive relationships that assumption is false.
Despite what is actually said in the counselling room, there will be subtle, nonverbal cues that only the couple knows, and there may be serious consequences when the couple returns home from counselling. Manipulative, controlling men will be able to use the counselling session to portray humility and victimhood, at the expense of their victim.
Christians rightly value marriage and long to see reconciliation wherever possible. We hold the institution of marriage in high regard, because we know that God holds it in high regard.
However reconciliation is never achieved by overlooking ongoing abuse. True reconciliation requires genuine repentance. Encouraging an abused wife to return to an unrepentant abuser does not restore the marriage; it exposes her to further harm and may enable the abusive behaviour to continue.
Some object that a wife vowed faithfulness "for better or for worse." That is true. Yet exposing destructive sin and seeking safety are not betrayals of those vows. The husband has already violated the marriage covenant through his abuse. Bringing that abuse into the light does not destroy the covenant; it acknowledges that it has already been profoundly broken.
Some may object that a wife vowed ‘to be true to him in good days and bad’. That is true. Howver, exposing destructive sin and seeking safety are not betrayals of those vows. The husband has violated the marriage covenant through is. Exposing that acknowledges what is already profoundly broken.
“We’ve misplaced the responsibility for keeping the marriage alive by putting an extraordinarily heavy burden on a wife’s shoulders to somehow maintain a loving and warm relationship with a husband who treats her with cruelty, disrespect, deceit and gross indifference. It’s not feasible, nor is it biblical” (Vernick , p1)(3).
Or in the words of Chris Moles:
“I firmly believe that the most effective means of reducing abuse against women is addressing the hearts of men.” (4)
Churches best honour marriage by confronting abuse (rather than ignoring it). Protecting the vulnerable, calling perpetrators to genuine repentance, and pursuing truth are not threats to God's design for marriage - they are expressions of it.
Bancroft, Lundy, Why Does He Do That? 2003, Berkley
Strickland, Darby, Is It Abuse? 2020, P & R Publishing
Vernick, Leslie, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, 2013, Christian/Forum
Moles, Chris, The Heart of Domestic Abuse, 2015, Focus Publishing
Note: Throughout this article I refer to abusive husbands and abused wives because that is the situation most commonly encountered in my context and in much of the Christian literature I reference. Abuse can, however, occur in other relationship dynamics as well.