Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Assess Immediate Risk: Always prioritise the safety of the woman. Keep checking in with her. If she is in immediate danger, encourage her to call emergency services or offer to assist in contacting a trusted domestic violence helpline or shelter.

Create a Safety Plan: If she is not in immediate danger, help her create a safety plan that includes where to go if things escalate, important contacts, and steps for protecting herself and any children involved.

Listen Without Judgment: Offer a compassionate and non-judgmental ear. Don’t interrupt, minimise, or question her account. Believe her story; many women are not believed, which can add to their trauma.

Affirm Her Courage: Acknowledge how difficult it is to disclose abuse and affirm her bravery in seeking help. Let her know you are there to support, not judge.

Don’t Rush Her Decisions: Respect her timing and the choices she makes, even if you think you know what’s best. Leaving an abusive relationship is complex and dangerous, and she may not be ready.

Empower Her: Offer information and options rather than directives. Enable her to make her own choices. Don’t make decisions for her.

Support, Don’t Fix: Your role is to support, not solve. Don’t make her decisions for her. Avoid giving quick solutions or advice unless specifically asked. Focus on validating her feelings and concerns rather than “fixing” the situation.

Be Patient: Understand that her journey to safety and healing may take time. Be patient and offer consistent support, even if she struggles to make changes.

Learn the Dynamics of Abuse: Take time to understand the different forms of abuse (emotional, physical, financial, spiritual) and the patterns of control that abusers often use.

Avoid Common Misconceptions: Educate yourself about myths and misconceptions, such as the false notion that abuse only happens if it’s physical or that the victim is responsible for “provoking” abuse.

Respect Privacy: Assure her that what she shares is confidential, except when safety is at risk. Be vigilant about confidentiality. Breaking confidentiality can put her in greater danger, so be very cautious about sharing her information.

Seek Her Permission: If you need to involve others (like church leaders or professionals), seek her permission first, unless there’s an immediate threat to her or others’ safety.

Refer to Professionals: Understand the limits of your role. If the situation requires expertise, refer her to a trained counselor, legal advisor, or domestic violence advocate.

Know your Resources: Have a list of local resources available, including shelters, counselors, support groups, legal aid, and domestic violence hotlines. Being prepared can make a significant difference.

Don’t Use Scripture to Pressure: Avoid using Bible verses or spiritual language to pressure her into staying or to minimise the seriousness of the abuse. Don’t suggest that “praying harder” or “submitting more” will solve the problem, or that ‘we all have our cross to bear’.

Offer Genuine Biblical Comfort: Share Scriptures that reflect God’s care for the oppressed, His love for her, and His desire for justice. Emphasize her value and dignity as someone made in God’s image.

Stay Available: Let her know she is not alone. Offer to check in regularly, even if it’s just through a text or phone call. Consistent presence can be a lifeline for someone who feels isolated.

Avoid Overloading Her: Don’t overwhelm her with too much information or too many options at once. Offer support one step at a time.

Recognize Trauma Symptoms: Understand that she may show signs of trauma, such as anxiety, indecision, denial, emotional numbness, forgetting things, difficulty putting experiences into works or difficulty expressing emotions. These are normal responses to an abnormal situation.

Respond Gently: Be gentle and understanding if she struggles to articulate her situation or if she changes her mind about seeking help.

Affirm It’s Not Her Fault: Clearly affirm that the abuse is not her fault, no matter what her abuser may have said or how she feels.

Choose Words Carefully: Avoid phrases like “Why don’t you just leave?” or “What did you do to make him angry?” Instead, ask open-ended questions that allow her to share at her own pace, like “How can I best support you right now?”

Provide Practical Help: If she is open to it, connect her with trustworthy church members who can help with practical needs, like meals, childcare, or transportation to appointments.

Expect Complicated Emotions: Understand that she may feel conflicted, afraid, or even defensive. Leaving an abusive relationship can be terrifying, and she may feel loyalty or fear of retaliation.

Offer Grace: If she chooses to stay or returns to the abuser, don’t withdraw your support. Be a source of consistent grace, reminding her you are there whenever she is ready.

Set Healthy Boundaries: Supporting someone in an abusive situation can be emotionally exhausting. Set healthy boundaries to protect your own emotional and spiritual well-being. If it is too much to carry on your own, speak with her about who else can support you both.

Seek Your Own Support: Don’t hesitate to seek guidance or support from a pastor, counselor, or trusted mentor who can help you process the emotional weight of what you’re hearing.

Offer to Pray Together: If she is open to it, offer to pray with her, focusing on God’s protection, wisdom, and peace. Be sensitive, avoiding prayers that suggest her actions will determine the outcome.

Pray for Guidance: Privately, pray for wisdom on how to support her well and for God’s intervention in her situation. Pray for her safety, courage, and healing, without expecting quick or specific outcomes.