The Abusive Home
Marriage is designed to reflect Christ's love for his church. It should be a place of safety, mutual care and flourishing. Yet for some women, home is the place where they experience fear, control and degradation.
Domestic abuse is not confined to secular culture, nor is it limited to physical violence. It can occur within Christian marriages and churches, often hidden behind outward appearances or misused ideas about biblical submission.
Understanding what abuse is - and what it is not - is one of the first steps toward protecting the vulnerable and responding wisely.
Abuse is a pattern of controlling behaviour that uses of power to dominate, manipulate or intimidate another person.
The defining point of domestic abuse is when the man starts to exercise power over the woman in a way that causes harm to her and creates a privileged status for him.
An abusive man consistently degrades his wife’s personhood and devalues her voice. He rejects her as a biblical helpmeet.
His actions are not just sinful; they are destructive. They tear her down and inhibit her growth. This is toxic not only to the wife, but also to him as a man and to their children who observe how their father treats their mother day in and day out (Vernick, p10).
I’ve encountered some wariness when abuse is discussed. Many Christians grew up in or operate homes with firm discipline. We’re nervous that firm discipline might be misconstrued as abuse. Or we are conscious of our own failings in dealing with others, and recognise that we have been rude or raised our voice, so we might wonder whether that makes us abusive, and whether we can therefore call out abuse in others. However, while we will all sin in our relationships with each other, we do not all have a violent heart. We are not all engaging in patterns of behaviour that give us control over our spouse.
Most marriages include moments of selfishness, impatience or sinful anger. Abuse is something different. It is characterised by an ongoing pattern of coercion and control rather than isolated acts of sin.
As Chris Moles argues in The Heart of Domestic Abuse, abusive behaviour flows from a heart committed to gaining or maintaining power over another person.
Such behaviours can include:
Physical force, including hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, kicking. “The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion.” Psalm 11:5
Intimidation, including lording over, use of size or strength or force to instil fear, destroying or damaging property “The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry; but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to blot out their name from the earth.” Psalm 34:15-16
Ridicule, including putting down, name calling, mocking, guilt trips, mind games “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18
Isolation, including separating victims from support like friends and family, controlling who victims may see, removal of mobile phones “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12
Denial and Blame, including making light of their abusive behaviour, denying wrong doing, shifting blame, not taking the victim’s concerns seriously “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses them will obtain mercy.” Proverbs 28:13
Using the Children, including to relay messages to the victims, as a means of guilt tripping “It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.” Luke 17:2
Misuse of authority, including treating their wives as inferior, excluding her from decision making, acting like the “king of the castle”, viewing women as inferior, stupid or troublesome. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25
Economics, including taking the victim’s money or restricting access to family income “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” 1 Timothy 5:8
Coercion and Threats, including ruining their reputation, threatening physical harm “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boost; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
Many people picture domestic abuse as repeated physical assault. While physical violence is certainly abuse, many abusive relationships involve little or no physical violence. You might be surprised to realise that one does not need to be experience physical abuse in order to take out a Family Violence Restraining Order!
Emotional, psychological, spiritual, sexual and financial abuse can be profoundly damaging. In fact, I have spoken with survivors survivors of domestic violence who say that the emotional and spiritual abuse they experienced was far worse for them than the physical abuse.
Some of women are experiencing obviously abusive behaviours: beatings, strangulation, marital rape and being confined or restrained. Others are experiencing abuse that comprises less obvious behaviour. Often the individual incidents of abusive behaviour sound petty so a woman will not share them. Put altogether, however they are incredibly destructive to the victim.
Some that have been shared with us include:
Treating the wife like a child
Calling the wife ugly names
Continually answering questions on her behalf
Twisting words and messing with her mind during discussions so that she leaves the discussion feeling confused
Refusing to eat what he considers a substandard meal
Refusing to allow the wife to comfort their child
Misusing scripture
Continually insisting that her understanding of Scripture is all wrong, so that she doubts her ability to understand God’s word
Banning contact with family members
Cancelling social plans on a whim
Those who have grown up in healthy homes may find these patterns difficult to imagine. Yet that very unfamiliarity can make it harder for victims to disclose what is happening. They may fear they won't be believed or that their experiences will be minimised. We may hope that we will never encounter domestic abuse. Yet many women suffer in silence because those around them do not recognise what is happening or are unsure how to respond.
Learning about abuse helps us become safer friends, wiser church members and more faithful leaders. It enables us to protect the vulnerable, confront oppression, and point both victims and perpetrators toward truth and genuine repentance.
Will you consider looking up an article or a book on domestic violence from a Christian perspective?
Vernick, Leslie, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, 2013, Christian/Forum
Moles, Chris, The Heart of Domestic Abuse, 2015, Focus Publishing
If you recognise your own relationship in this article
If these patterns describe your marriage, please know that you are not alone and that what you are experiencing matters. Abuse thrives in secrecy. Consider speaking with a trusted person who understands domestic abuse, and seek support from someone who will take your concerns seriously. You do not have to carry this alone.
Note: Throughout this article I refer to abusive husbands and abused wives because that is the situation most commonly encountered in my context and in much of the Christian literature I reference. Abuse can, however, occur in other relationship dynamics as well.