When communication becomes power play

When I’m speaking with you - around the dinner table, in the church carpark, in a Bible study meeting or at a birthday party - we are communicating thoughts and ideas with each other, and at the same time, we are negotiating our relationship.

Every conversation contains subtle expressions of power.

Communication researchers have observed that people often approach conversations differently. Some naturally seek connection and rapport, while others are more inclined to establish confidence or authority. Whatever our personality or communication style, Christians are called to use our words to serve rather than elevate ourselves.

We all have people in our lives who love to tell big stories, and can command the attention of a large group of people with confidence. They can certainly be the life of a party or Sunday coffee conversation. Others of us are much more inclined to be part of the captive audience, nodding and laughing at the appropriate points, due to any number of reasons -  because we genuinely enjoy the story being told and the camaraderie of the conversation, because we feel like we have nothing else to offer to the conversation, or because we know we could never be as entertaining or eloquent as that, to name a few. Maybe that’s great at a birthday party, but how does that translate to Bible Study meetings, to walking alongside a brother or sister in difficulty, to home visits or to forums where decisions are made?

Confidence and Status

We often ascribe authority to people based on how they speak. Someone who is articulate, confident and convincing can easily appear wiser or more knowledgeable than they really are. It takes courage to question a confident speaker, let alone disagree with them. Yet confidence is not the same as wisdom, and eloquence is not the same as godliness.

I wonder if, instead of standing beside one another in support, we sometimes try to stand over one another by displaying our knowledge or our ability to think on the fly. Brené Brown observes that "we are taught that a cool distance and inaccessibility contribute to prestige and that, if you're too relatable, your credentials come into question."¹ Do you ever feel pressure to project an image of confidence and competence, even when you don't feel that way inside?

We all have insecurities. Perhaps you wish you knew your Bible better, could quote chapter and verse more easily, or had more formal education. How do you respond to those feelings? Do you overcompensate by trying to appear more knowledgeable than you are? Or do you withdraw from conversations altogether? Our value is not found in our eloquence, our education or our ability to quote Scripture, but in our identity as children of God.

Servanthood in Communication: Practicing Christ’s Humility

We know that as Christians, we are called to servanthood, just as Christ served us. This applies to our communication too. And not just what we say, the words that cross our lips, but also how we say it; the manner or tone or context in which it is said. There is a wealth of research around body language, facial expression, word choices, and tone of voice, and what these things convey. For example, “There is not enough information here to back up what you are saying” comes across very differently if it is said gently, with eye contact, and is followed by “Please help me understand what you are trying to say”, than if it is said with a lot of bravado, in an angry tone, while ‘playing the room’, refusing to hear the accompanying information and following up with “This is nonsense.”

Navigating tough conversations with grace

Poor engagement attitudes and techniques will be especially influential or damaging in life’s tougher conversations. When someone makes us feel uncomfortable by addressing areas in which we feel vulnerable (sin, disagreements, hurt and disappointments), we might be tempted to claim power in the conversation by denying or minimising what the other person is saying. We might turn around and attack them, to make ourselves feel better. We might try to make excuses for our inexcusable behaviour. We might respond in real or implied (covert) anger, in a way that lets the other person know that they better back off. We might shut the other person out. We might lie about what is being discussed, or use gaslighting “I don’t remember it that way. I think you’ve got things all mixed up, which is what you always do.” OR we might be tempted to speak as if we are the only one with God ‘on our side’, or the only one in the conversation who know God’s Word.

What if, in our conversations, we remember who we are? Remember: I am a child of God, redeemed and sanctified by him. With regard to the necessary tough conversations in life, how will we then serve each other through the way we converse? And what it those conversations happen in the context of a power imbalance due to God-given authority? If you are a parent speaking to a child, a husband to a wife, or an office bearer to a church member, how will you take care to serve the other in the way that you converse?

Think about a recent conversation, and consider how you could practice servanthood in a future conversation.